


I can't carry this anymore

by kittysneaker



Category: Sweet Home (Manhwa), 스위트홈 | Sweet Home (TV)
Genre: Just angst, SO YEAHHH I WROTE ANGST ON VALENTINE YIPPIE!! <33, Self Harm, Soo, TRIGGER WARNING!!, could be vent too, i want to watch hyun suffer idk, i want to write fluff but, im stressed over exams, this is the least i could do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:07:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29423553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittysneaker/pseuds/kittysneaker
Summary: What was he expected?He was sick of everything, and today was the last straw for him.As tears slipped out of his eyes, soaking the bedsheet under him, Hyun whispered to himself. "I want to die."
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	I can't carry this anymore

**Author's Note:**

> the tittle and lyrics are,, from this song!!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCycoUCopno  
> Anson Seabra - I Can't Carry This Anymore
> 
> i love but,,pain

_Oh, Mama said gonna be all right,_

_But mama don't know what it's like in my mind,_

  
  
Hyun let his heart sank as his sister's word echoing his head,  
  
 _ **"I don't even have a brother!"**_  
  
He almost forgot how to breathe, he feel like he wanted to throw up. He dropped the plastic bag filled with snacks he were holding and make a run to his room, the whole world feel like it's spinning around him as he ran. _He wanted to throw up_. He could feel pang of guilt hammering inside his chest and his head ache almost too painfully to bare.  
  
  


_Mama said that the sun gonna shine,_

_But mama don't know what it's like to want to die._

  
He let his body sink into his mattress the moment he entered his room, not caring to change the worn out school uniform to his casual clothe. He didn't care a bit about anything aside from what he had just heard from someone, so important to him.  
  
He just wanted to pretend he didn't hear anything,  
He just wished he didn't return home too soon so he couldn't hear what was his sister talking about to her friends in their voice call. If he didn't know, the he wouldn't be in pain right now.  
  
If he could pretend like he didn't know anything,  
then his heart wouldn't ache so painfully, beating inside his chest.  
  
He grip the sheet underneath him, knuckles turn white as he try to fight the urge to scream. He was exhausted.  
Where did he do wrong?  
  
Everyone that he use to laugh with, to have fun with, had turn their back toward him. The way they look at him as if he were just a stray dog that deserve to get kicked, the way they wanted him gone. He hated his parents for turning their back too, he hated them for acting blind and expecting him not to feel anything. He know that his mother know everything, the bullying, the beating. Yet she ignored it. At first, Hyun thought, at least he still got his little sister by his side, maybe. He could come and cry to her about how terrible the world had been treating him.  
  
But today proved that Hyun, was just deluding himself. Of course she would turn her back toward him too.  
  
  
What was he expected?  
  
  
  
He was sick of everything, and today was the last straw for him.  
  
  
  
As tears slipped out of his eyes, soaking the bedsheet under him, Hyun whispered to himself. " _I want to die._ "  
  
  
He almost surprised when the word escaped his mouth, he had never thought about it before. To end his life, to die. He had never consider about it before. He was such a lively person, he is in love with his own life. In love with everyone around him. Why would he want to end it all?  
  
But now everything had make sense,  
He need to go.  
  
He need to leave.  
  
Hyun got up from his bed with one shaky breath, a weak smile began to spread on his face. He'll be okay.  
 _He'll leave now._  
Ignoring the headache waves and aches from the beating, Hyun slowly reach out for his backpack. He pulled the zip down and took out his pencil case. He mentally staring hole onto the pencil box that covered with stickers and iron on patches that his sister placed it on to cheer him up on his first day of school. Hyun grit his teeth, he zip down his pencil case and pulled out a yellow knife cutter.  
  
The knife cutter that he used to unboxing figures he bought online and the same knife cutter he used to make origami with his sister.  
  
 _ **It doesn't matter now.**_  
  
He pushed the knife cutter, the razor seem tempting, shining under the dim light of the room and light from outside his room, sunset that creeping through the red curtain.  
  
He inhaled before slowly slide the cutter on his wrist. He watched slowly but surely, blood oozing out from the cut he had just made.  
He hate how he almost _melt_ at the cut. For once he feel better.  
  
For once he feel like everything around him wasn't so bad. It's like the weight on his shoulder got lifted off as he went for another cut, and another, and another until his vision did a little spark.  
  
Hyun stopped when his blood began to drip onto the floor under him, he mentally cursing at himself as he stumbled for wipe or tissues. His hand shook slightly, _sure_ , he pretty sure that he went for the vein and cut deep, he'll die soon.  
  
The thought almost had him laughing,  
to cry even.  
  
He'll be alright.  
  
  


_I can't carry this anymore, Heavy from the hurt inside my veins,_

_I can't carry this anymore. Wonder what it's like to be okay._

**━━━━━━━**

  
Hyun woke up with his head throbbing painfully, He slowly opening his eyes. It seem dark outside, how long had he passed out?  
  
He ignored the pain that begin to spread through his entire body as he shifted on his bed, reaching out for his phone. He write his password and squint his eyes, **3:10AM**.  
  
He let out shaky breath, turning his attention to his arm, now covered with band-aids, though he can see blood peaking out on the band-aid surface. So he failed huh?  
 **  
Ț̖̝̉͗̓ȟ̖e̖̝̿͞n͚̏ ̱̹͙̿͗̚w̯͂h̻̏a̜̓̅͢t͎̠̎̔ ͚̞̈̑n͓̣̈́̅͘͜o̲̻̿̂ŵ̧̥̽?̝͟͡͞**  
He have to go to school tomorrow, he'll get beaten up and throwing around like dog toy. He have to face the disappointed looks on both of his parents and his little sister turning her back toward him. He have to go through that again and he didn't want that. _**He didn't want that.**_  
  
Hyun bite his nails, _unless?_ Unless he dropped out of school. Then he wouldn't have to go there again. What about his family?  
he can shut them out behind this closed door. He bet they wouldn't care enough to break in, That's it. that's the perfect plan!  
if thing doesn't go as he planned, then he can try to kill himself again, that's great. _That's a good plan, Hyun Cha. **As expected from you!**_  
  
Then he would finally be.. _free_.  
  
  


_Would you like me if I drank that? If you wanted I could take that,_

_I'll do anything for love. I don't feel like I'm enough._

  
  
Hyun crawl at his arm, ignoring how sting it feel to have his nails digging into his skin. A sob escaped his lip as he fight the urge to cry louder, to yell. He wanted to scream and let everyone know that he was hurting, and it was too much. He's breaking.  
Yet he knew nobody care, no one gonna hear him. No matter how loud he scream, he knew nobody gonna turn their head and ask him if he was okay.  
  
Why would they care?  
  
  
Why would they answer the prayers of a ghost?  
  


_Oh, Mama said gonna be all right,_

_But mama don't know what it's like in my mind,_

_Mama said that the sun gonna shine,_

_But mama don't know what it's like to want to **die**._


End file.
